Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Dallas 362 (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second appearance somehow landed her on the DVD cover.

Goldblum Hotness: 8/10

His M.O. is to seduce (and marry) our protagonist’s mother, so he’s quite handsy with her—and since he succeeds, making him the only character shown getting any action, he gets a nice half-naked-in-bed scene. He also wears handsome therapist suits.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

The hands just won’t stay down, the eyes stay crazy, and the rapid monologuing is out of control. He’s also a good head taller than our protagonist and folds himself up like a spider in order to sit down on the ground. Alas, what with all the seduction and the therapy, he doesn’t have time to play the piano.

Spinning Boris (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, along with Liev Schreiber and some other guy, helps Boris Yeltsin get reelected.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

He gets top billing in this Showtime Original Movie, and only rarely do we see Liev Schreiber and that other guy without him.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

He is shirtless for approximately 40% of this movie. There is absolutely zero reason for this. And when they go into the Russian baths, Liev Schrieber and that other guy wrap multiple towels around themselves—but not Goldblum; he slings a single towel low around his hips as if to say, “Is this the smallest towel you have?”

Goldbluminess: 8/10

A fear of assassination by the Russian government affords ample opportunity for Crazy Eyes and Rapid Monologuing, and even Yeltsin’s daughter gets to sample a touch of the Sexy Flippance. Unfortunately, there are no pianos in Russia.

Goosebumps: Escape from Horrorland (PC game, 1996)

Total Goldblum rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum is a Dracula who insists on dancing with a prepubescent girl. Click on his pockets to retrieve important items!

Goldblum presence: 2/10

The clip provided is 15 minutes long; perhaps 5 of them are Goldblum. Given that total gameplay is presumably well over 15 minutes, that leaves a very low Goldblum percentage.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

As is appropriate for a vampire, Goldblum oozes sexuality. Unfortunately, he does so to a 12-year-old.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Because his dance partner hasn’t hit her growth spurt yet, he’s especially tall. But he can’t Rapid Monologue with those sparkly fangs in his mouth.

(Source: io9.com)

War Stories (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.

Man of the Year (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Eeeeeevil Jeff Goldblum, corporate sleaze, tries to have Laura Linney killed when she tells Robin Williams—who is, and is not, Jon Stewart—that a glitch in EvilCo’s computer voting systems caused him to be falsely elected President.

Goldblum presence: 2/10

He’s in this movie for, possibly, three (evil) minutes total.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

Very decent hair; very nice suits. The evilness lends a certain bad boy appeal.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

Those three minutes he’s on screen? He rapid monologues the whole time. He never stops talking. And in his scene with Laura Linney, he’s shot from below, because he’s very, very tall. Crazy “I’m Going to Have You Killed” Eyes also make an appearance.

Mini’s First Time (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum creeps on a high-school student (the eponymous Mini) after her mother (with whom he had been sleeping) dies. Unfortunately (for Jeff Goldblum), the girl’s stepfather (Alec Baldwin) takes issue with this (because he is sleeping with her). (Ew.)

Goldblum presence: 3/10

He only appears in a few scenes, most of which involve distant leering.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

“At least he isn’t her stepfather” is not the highest recommendation for a potential paramour. And although he does some bathrobe lounging and dates a much younger woman (his 20-something girlfriend, not the 10-something Mini), it doesn’t make up for the too-short hair. Or the creepiness.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

When Jeff Goldblum sets out to seduce a much, much younger woman, he does it with Sexy Flippance, Rapid Monologuing, and piano playing (how else?)—and when Alec Baldwin comes to beat his face in, Jeff Goldblum reacts with Crazy Eyes. He’s quite tall in every party scene, but he still loses one point for being a total creep.

Into the Night (1985)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum saves Michelle Pfeiffer from David Bowie’s band of gangsters. Despite a cast that also includes Dan Aykroyd, this unengaging “thriller” is nowhere near as zany or madcap as one might hope. And David Bowie wears a suit, as opposed to this, which is disappointing.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

Occasionally our attention is directed to Michelle Pfeiffer or to various gangsters, but what little plot there is centers around the Goldblum.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He’s quite young, and the hair is exceptionally decent for the decade. He also lounges around shirtless, which is nice; however, his demeanor generally stays in the realm of “bewildered and overwhelmed” rather than “sexy and appealing.”

Goldbluminess: 5/10

He’s fairly tall, but Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t short. He spends the bulk of the film reacting alarmedly to the goings-on around him, which results in some excellent Rapid Monologuing and a healthy dose of Crazy Eyes—but leaves no time for Sexy-Flippance, and certainly no time for piano playing.

Morning Glory (2010)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

In this peppy newsroom-rom-com, Jeff Goldblum hires Rachel McAdams to run his morning show.

Goldblum Presence: 6/10

Of the six “stars” billed in this film, he has the least screen time.

Goldblum Hotness: 9/10

He has several jogging-round-the-reservoir scenes, which, yes. And he wears a few suits, and—because he’s Jeff Goldblum—he has a 20+-years-younger girlfriend. And, not to speak ill of Harrison Ford, but consider this: In 1977, Harrison Ford looked like this and Jeff Goldblum looked like this. In Morning Glory, Jeff Goldblum looks like the above photo and Mr. Ford looks like this. Game, set, and match to Goldblum.

Goldbluminess: 6/10

There’s a scene in which Rachel McAdams trots up the stairs so that she can she can look him in the eye, so check plus on being tall. And his eyes are crazy and his monologuing is rapid—but, sadly, it’s also mean. He is mean to Rachel McAdams, which is, frankly, not what we expect. And there’s nary a piano in sight.

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.

Goldblum Presence: 7/10

The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.

Goldbum Hotness: 11/10

Julie Brown introduces gratuitously shirtless Jeff Goldblum with “This is…the ultimate,” and indeed it is. In addition to being the obvious dreamboat of the movie, he is also blessed with a “love touch,” which he uses to give Geena Davis a three-hour hallucinogenic orgasm. (He also does this to her ex-fiance, two cops, and a cat.)

Goldbluminess: 8/10

He can’t rapid monologue because all of his English was learned from the television (“Are we limp and hard to manage?”), but he makes up for it in other ways: an extremely sexy flippance, being taller than glamazon Geena Davis, a lengthy jazz piano performance, and, finally, the new standard for crazy eyes.

The Great White Hype (1996)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Jeff Goldblum is in over his head (again) as he gives up his integrity as an investigative journalist in order to sell out to Samuel L. Jackson and then fail horribly at taking over his empire.

Goldblum presence: 4/10

Needs more Goldblum. Cheech gets more screen time than he does.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He spends the bulk of the movie in typical intellectual Goldblum attire (plaid shirt, glasses, unkempt hair), which is of course nice, if perhaps unimpressive. But then he puts on a suit, and then a tuxedo, and then he smokes a cigar with his perfect lips. Yes.

Goldbluminess: 4/10

No piano, no Crazy Eyes, the hands float only minimally and the monologuing is moderately paced. He’s pretty tall—but so is Samuel L. Jackson. Meh.