1. Hideaway (1995)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum dies, is resurrected, and finds himself psychically linked to a sunglasses-wearing teen serial killer played by Elton from Clueless, who, naturally, is out to get Jeff Goldblum’s teen daughter, Alicia Silverstone. It is not a comedy.

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    Goldblum presence: 9/10

    In a rare Protagonist Goldblum sighting, we rarely leave his side.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s near-naked a lot, but his hair’s near-mullety. Dad jeans.

    Goldbluminess: 6/10

    The eyes squint more than they’re crazy, and there’s no time to stop and play the piano while hunting down a serial killer. However, there is one charming scene in which he can’t seem to fold his extensive legs around a floor cushion, as well as one floating-handed paranoid rant.

     
  2. The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

    Jeff Goldblum is a cat-loving lawyer who gets caught up in an exceptionally convoluted murder-and-inheritance plot.

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    Goldblum presence: 4/10

    Despite enjoying a [SPOILER] gruesome death scene, “Deputy Kovacs” is not prominent enough a character to warrant even the smallest mention in the film’s wikipedia plot summary.

    Goldblum hotness: 6/10

    Nice suits. Horrible beard.

    Goldbluminess: 5/10

    Constantly seated with his hands folded, he is given the opportunity to neither tower over others nor wave his hands at them. (And, thanks to Willem Dafoe, he will certainly never play the piano again.)

     
  3. A Bonus Photo of Jeff “Fancy Cowboy” Goldblum from Silverado, Presented With As Much Context As You Need

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  4. Silverado (1985)

    Total Goldblum rating: 6/10

    In the background of this ’80s Western, a man wearing a fur coat exits a carriage. “Who’s that fancy man?" asks the viewer. "Excuse me, Sheriff," says Jeff Goldblum, "I’m a gambler." 

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    Goldblum presence: 3/10

    Jeff Goldblum primarily, yet only briefly, lurks in the background with sideburns and also a knife in his boot. He bangs Danny Glover’s sister, fails to help Danny Glover’s friend, and [SPOILER] gets stabbed by Danny Glover—and all this in maybe 10 minutes of screen time, including background lurking.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    Those sideburns, though.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    Those are some crazy eyes, and he’s the tallest cowboy/gambler in Silverado. But is there really no piano in the saloon?

     
  5. The Prince of Egypt (1998)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 3/10

    The Voice of Jeff Goldblum briefly appears in the mouth of the biological brother of Moses (of “let my people go” fame).

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    Goldblum presence: 1/10

    a) He’s not physically in this; b) He has like four lines.

    Goldblum hotness: 2/10

    He’s a fairly scraggly-looking cartoon.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    The animators went the extra effort to ensure near-constant crazy eyes (his pupils NEVER TOUCH THE RIMS OF HIS EYES) as well as a fair amount of floating hands. He also may be the tallest person in all of Egypt.

     
  6. image: Download

    The potential Goldbluminess in Le Week-End is high.

    The potential Goldbluminess in Le Week-End is high.

     
  7. A Bonus Photo From Next Stop, Greenwich Village, Presented Free of Context

     
  8. Next Stop, Greenwich Village (1976)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    Baby 1970s Jeff Goldblum appears briefly as a baby 1950s aspiring actor (“Charlie Bolignakoff,” or, professionally, “Clyde Baxter”) in this film about a different baby aspiring actor and his beatnik friends (one of whom is baby Christopher Walken).

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    Goldblum presence: 2/10

    He has only two brief scenes, but he steals the scenes he’s in.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    That suit is horrible. Everything else is perfection.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    He’s so tall that he has to double over to speak to a woman seated at a desk, his hands won’t stay down, and his eyes are insane. Pour one out for the lack of piano.

     
  9. A Bonus Photo from Igby Goes Down, Presented Free of Context

     
  10. Igby Goes Down (2002)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum is incredibly rich and incredibly sleazy as the titular Igby’s godfather, employer, and assailant.

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    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    Although a great deal of time is spent with Igby and others of his generation, Jeff Goldblum is one of the most prominent adult characters, appearing as much as Susan Sarandon and rather more than Not-The-President Bill Pullman.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    The suits are nice, but creeping on drug-addled tenants is not.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    "Do you want to see the body before they come to collect it?" "I’ve seen it." [Sits down at a sudden piano.]