January 2012
1 post
7 tags
Dallas 362 (2003)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.
Goldblum presence: 7/10
He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second...
May 2011
1 post
5 tags
Spinning Boris (2003)
Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10
Jeff Goldblum, along with Liev Schreiber and some other guy, helps Boris Yeltsin get reelected.
Goldblum presence: 9/10
He gets top billing in this Showtime Original Movie, and only rarely do we see Liev Schreiber and that other guy without him.
Goldblum hotness: 9/10
He is shirtless for approximately 40% of this movie. There is absolutely...
April 2011
2 posts
6 tags
Goosebumps: Escape from Horrorland (PC game, 1996)
Total Goldblum rating: 4/10
Jeff Goldblum is a Dracula who insists on dancing with a prepubescent girl. Click on his pockets to retrieve important items!
Goldblum presence: 2/10
The clip provided is 15 minutes long; perhaps 5 of them are Goldblum. Given that total gameplay is presumably well over 15 minutes, that leaves a very low Goldblum...
8 tags
War Stories (2003)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.
Goldblum presence: 8/10
It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re...
March 2011
2 posts
6 tags
Man of the Year (2006)
Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10
Eeeeeevil Jeff Goldblum, corporate sleaze, tries to have Laura Linney killed when she tells Robin Williams—who is, and is not, Jon Stewart—that a glitch in EvilCo’s computer voting systems caused him to be falsely elected President.
Goldblum presence: 2/10
He’s in this movie for, possibly, three (evil) minutes total.
...
6 tags
Mini’s First Time (2006)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
Jeff Goldblum creeps on a high-school student (the eponymous Mini) after her mother (with whom he had been sleeping) dies. Unfortunately (for Jeff Goldblum), the girl’s stepfather (Alec Baldwin) takes issue with this (because he is sleeping with her). (Ew.)
Goldblum presence: 3/10
He only appears in a few scenes, most of which...
February 2011
1 post
6 tags
Into the Night (1985)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum saves Michelle Pfeiffer from David Bowie’s band of gangsters. Despite a cast that also includes Dan Aykroyd, this unengaging “thriller” is nowhere near as zany or madcap as one might hope. And David Bowie wears a suit, as opposed to this, which is disappointing.
Goldblum presence: 8/10
Occasionally our...
November 2010
2 posts
6 tags
Morning Glory (2010)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
In this peppy newsroom-rom-com, Jeff Goldblum hires Rachel McAdams to run his morning show.
Goldblum Presence: 6/10
Of the six “stars” billed in this film, he has the least screen time.
Goldblum Hotness: 9/10
He has several jogging-round-the-reservoir scenes, which, yes. And he wears a few suits, and—because he’s...
7 tags
Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)
Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10
Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.
Goldblum Presence: 7/10
The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.
Goldbum Hotness: 11/10
...
October 2010
2 posts
6 tags
The Great White Hype (1996)
Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10
Jeff Goldblum is in over his head (again) as he gives up his integrity as an investigative journalist in order to sell out to Samuel L. Jackson and then fail horribly at taking over his empire.
Goldblum presence: 4/10
Needs more Goldblum. Cheech gets more screen time than he does.
Goldblum hotness: 8/10
He spends the bulk of the movie...
5 tags
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
Sir Jeff Goldblum is Bill Murray’s “part-gay” professional and romantic rival, whom Team Zissou steals from and then rescues.
Goldblum presence: 4/10
For being the title character’s rival, he doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time (although he’s certainly captivating when on-screen).
...
September 2010
3 posts
6 tags
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
In this made-for-TV-movie, Jeff Goldblum battles ghosts (with skepticism!) and fights Dick Butkus (really) for the hand of Laura Fuller.
Goldblum presence: 8/10
The majority of the action is centered on Ichabod, naturally, but sometimes we watch others plot—particularly Dick Butkus (really) and Neil Gaiman (not really).
...
9 tags
The Fly (1986)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
Jeff Goldblum accidentally turns himself into a fly.
Goldblum presence: 9/10
Goldblum is the titular fly, though not necessarily the protagonist—that role is filled by Geena Davis.
Goldblum hotness, Part One: 9/10
Until about 45 minutes through the movie, Jeff Goldblum is young, ripped, and having naked sexy time with Geena Davis. His hair...
5 tags
Cats & Dogs (2001)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum is an excellent scientist (if the lab coats are any indication) and terrible father (if the criminal neglect is any indication) in this family comedy full of computer animated cats, cartoonish sound effects, and fart jokes.
Goldblum presence: 6/10
Naturally, the titular dogs and cats have a much stronger presence in the film....
August 2010
4 posts
5 tags
Deep Cover (1992)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
Jeff Goldblum is a drug-dealing lawyer who gets to deliver such gems of dialogue as “I want my cake and eat it too…I want my cake and eat it too” and “We’ll have barbecue JUMBO shrimp, you motha f—kaaaaaaaa!” And he does this.
Goldblum presence: 8/10
This movie is about an undercover cop posing as a drug...
7 tags
The Switch (2010)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
In this unsurprising rom-com, Jeff Goldblum is the thrice-divorced best friend / source of wisdom for the more-neurotic (yes, really) Jason Bateman.
Goldblum presence: 6/10
Is he in the movie all that much? No. But there are only five adult characters in this thing, and he’s one of them—he’s even billed as...
5 tags
The Big Chill (1983)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
Jeff Goldblum is one of several disillusioned boomers who, with the aid of a stellar soundtrack, must come to grips with the sudden death of a friend. It’s your parents’ Breakfast Club.
Goldblum Presence: 7/10
It’s an ensemble movie, so while he’s not the focus, he’s certainly given as much attention as anyone...
6 tags
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum is Dr. Sidney “New Jersey” Zweibel, a neurosurgeon / pianist / cowboy(?) from Fort Lee. As one of the Banzai Institute’s Hong Kong Cavaliers, New Jersey is part of Buckaroo’s team of alien-fighting scientists. And also his rock band.
Goldblum Presence: 5/10
...
July 2010
4 posts
3 tags
The Guardian interview (2010)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
Jeff Goldblum, currently starring in The Prisoner of Second Avenue on the West End, is interviewed by The Guardian.
Goldblum Presence: 10/10
It is, after all, a Goldblum interview.
Goldblum Hotness: 4/10
“…eyes bulging, a rhythmic click emanating occasionally from his throat. (It’s not hard to see why David...
4 tags
4 tags
Run Ronnie Run (2003)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
In a tangential scene of an already tangential movie, Jeff Goldblum expresses what may very well have been the sentiments of people who saw this movie in theaters: “I want my money back.”
Goldblum presence: 2/10
He barely registers in the overall plot of the movie, but he makes a decent splash in the one scene he’s in.
...
6 tags
Independence Day (1996)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum fights aliens (with science!) and exchanges one-liners with Will Smith.
Goldblum presence: 7/10
Although he spends a fair amount of time off-screen, he a) is the first non-President major character introduced, and b) saves the world.
Goldblum hotness: 7/10
The hair is totally decent, and the glasses add a certain hipster...
June 2010
3 posts
5 tags
The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
In Jurassic Park II: Electric Goldblumaloo, Jeff Goldblum liberates, and then runs from, some dinosaurs. It is nothing like the book of the same name, except a) there is an island, where b) they go, to find c) dinosaurs.
Goldblum presence: 7/10
He’s definitely the driving force of the film, but the Bad Guys and Rampaging...
5 tags
Jurassic Park (1993)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
Jeff Goldblum is a rock star of a “chaotician” who knew this whole “resurrect giant carnivores” thing was a bad idea. Then he loses a chunk of his leg and also the buttons on his shirt.
Goldblum presence: 5/10
After he gets his leg banged up, he has to lie around wincing (but shirtless) while we watch Hat Man try to...
7 tags
Pittsburgh! (2006)
Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10
Jeff Goldblum stars in a regional theatre production of The Music Man so that his 24-year-old Canadian girlfriend can get a work visa. Illeana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr also have roles in the production, and Moby is Illeana’s ill-advised boyfriend who’s really into amateur porn. It’s a mockumentary (OR IS IT), like Christopher Guest...
May 2010
7 posts
6 tags
Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)
Total Goldblum rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are tabloid reporters sent to Transylvania to find Frankenstein (wait, what?) in this not-quite-a-Mel Brooks movie. There’s a theme song.
Goldblum presence: 7/10
There’s lots of Goldblum, but occasionally we follow Ed Begley on his adventures.
Goldblum hotness: 8/10
He’s quite young and...
8 tags
Framed (1990)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
In this made-for-TV movie, Jeff Goldblum is an art forger whose ladyfriend/partner may or may not have set him up to take the fall for a caper gone wrong. Then it’s a big Two Years Later and Can We Trust Her.
Goldblum presence: 8/10
Although he’s certainly the protagonist, he’s not constantly on camera. Sometimes we watch the love...
3 tags
Beyond Therapy (1987)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
Jeff Goldblum answers Julie Hagerty’s personals ad, much to the dismay of his live-in boyfriend, Christopher Guest. There are hijinks involving everyone’s therapists and it’s very New York, except that it was obviously filmed in Paris.
Goldblum presence: 7/10
Sometimes we’re subjected to just Julie Hagerty and her...
6 tags
The Tall Guy (1989)
Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10
Jeff Goldblum defeats Mr. Bean and goes on to woo Emma Thompson (inexplicably successfully) and take the lead in Elephant!, an Elephant Man musical.
Goldblum presence: 10/10
It’s called “The Tall Guy,” and lord knows they’re not referring to Rowan Atkinson. Bless his heart.
Goldblum hotness: 6/10
There’s an...
6 tags
Vibes (1988)
Total Goldblum rating: 9/10
Jeff Goldblum, a psychometrist, teams up with fellow psychic Cyndi Lauper to fight a mystical force in Ecuador. And to find love.
Goldblum presence: 9/10
About as much Goldblum as you can have without calling the movie Goldblum.
Goldblum hotness: 9/10
No naked, but lots of running around sweaty in an unbuttoned shirt. Plus sexy time with Cyndi...
3 tags
Annie Hall (1977)
Total Goldblum rating: 4/10
Jeff Goldblum appears briefly as a Los Angeles party guest who forgot his mantra.
Goldblum presence: 1/10
He’s seen only long enough to be credited as “Lacey party guest.”
Goldblum hotness: 8/10
No nudity and no sexy time, but look at him. He was my age when he made this movie. We could’ve gone out for a beer afterwards...
8 tags
Adam Resurrected (2009)
Total Goldblum rating: 7/10
Jeff Goldblum plays a psychic Holocaust survivor with a dog fetish. It’s a drama.
Goldblum presence: 10/10
He’s the title character and protagonist and is in every scene.
Goldblum hotness: 7/10
He has some sexy time, but it’s marred by the aforementioned dog fetish. There’s a brief ass-flash, and if that wasn’t a...