1. Jeff Goldblum and the Elevator: Excerpts from St. Ives

    Jeff Goldblum loves being an incompetent gangster. Like, really loves it.

    He particularly enjoys opening elevator doors for other gangsters.

    Watch out that you don’t fall down the elevator shaft, Jeff Goldblum.

    Just get in the elevator. Up you get.

    Nobody can pass up a chance to grab Jeff Goldblum’s ass.

     
  2. St. Ives (1976)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

    Baby Jeff Goldblum, incompetent gangster, gets bottom billing (literally) as he tries, and fails, to kill Charles Bronson.

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    Goldblum presence: 2/10

    There are three gangster lackeys, and two of them get a line of dialogue. The third one is Jeff Goldblum.

    Goldblum hotness: 10/10

    Scruffy 23-year-old is a good look, and the hat—which precludes exposure to any potential terrible hair—is a good decision.

    Goldbluminess: 3/10

    He may not speak, gesticulate, or play the piano, but at one point he has to duck to walk through a doorway.

     
  3. The Player (1992)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 3/10

    Jeff Goldblum is one of over five dozen people who were, in 1992, very, very famous, and who make cameo appearances in what is apparently supposed to be a satire of Hollywood (starring Tim Robbins).

    Goldblum presence: 0.5/10

    Goldblum appears at a party, mumbles vaguely in the general direction of Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows, and leaves.

    Goldblum hotness: 4/10

    His hair is decent and he has a 20-something blonde companion, but there is no denying that he is wearing a Cosby sweater. A COSBY SWEATAH.

    Goldbluminess: 5/10

    Yes, he’s playing himself. But he doesn’t even seem that tall and Peter Gallagher is ONLY FIVE FOOT NINE.

     
  4. image: Download

    A bonus photo from Nine Months.

    A bonus photo from Nine Months.

     
  5. Nine Months (1995)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the only character who utters the word “abortion” after his best friend, Nineties Hair Arches Hugh Grant—who has never wanted children, has never liked  children, and is in a clearly unstable relationship—knocks up his girlfriend. Then Goldblum, failing artist, cheers up Hugh Grant by getting his ear pierced and taking him rollerblading, because nineties.

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    Goldblum presence: 5/10

    Tom Arnold gets more screen time than he does. No no no.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    His artist mullet, while it could certainly be worse, still leaves something to be desired. But he’s young, and athletic, and (naturally) has a 25-year-old girlfriend, so, okay then.

    Goldbluminess: 6/10

    Surrounded by tiny Brits and Julianne Moore, he’s possibly at his tallest, and you better believe he’s sexy-flippant during a rollerblading encounter with a sexy babe; however, he’s too busy being the suave-yet-lonely-childfree-pal to rapid monologue, and his hands are too busy painting or playing tennis to float. And they forgot to put a piano in the winery he lives in.

     
  6. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, struggling writer, is invaded by body snatchers.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    While Donald Sutherland is our protagonist, Jeff Goldblum is still among the five most central characters, and he gets rather a surprising amount of screen time.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    Twenty-five-year-old Jeff Goldblum is a pristine work of art who strips down to nothing but a towel; however, he does lose a single point for the clear visibility of each of his ribs. Someone needs to feed this young man.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    While there have never been eyes so crazy as those discovering one’s snatched body—and while his introduction is one of the most rapid monologues to date, thanks to his vehement dislike and/or jealousy of Leonard Nimoy—Baby Jeff Goldblum is not particularly sexy-flippant, and his hands stay mostly in his pockets. Most shocking of all: Despite running for his life—and despite stating his height during the film—Jeff Goldblum is no taller than Donald Sutherland and only slightly taller than Leonard Nimoy.

     
  7. A Series of Promotional PayPal Videos (2012)

    Total Goldblum rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum explains why you—yes, you!—should be using PayPal for all of your purchases online, over the phone, and in stores (such as, quote, your “favorite juice shop”).

    Goldblum presence: 10/10

    Obviously, the marketing geniuses at PayPal (no sarcasm) realized they should just put Jeff Goldblum in front of a camera and let him go.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    Distinguished Older Gentleman, yes! Excellent vest and collared shirts. The hair, however, could stand to be a smidge longer.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    Naturally the videos are each one solid rapid monologue, and the exaggerated befuddlement at having to find one’s credit card to make an online purchase is a perfect opportunity for crazy eyes. While close-ups preclude illustrations of height, there’s never been such floating hands as those pantomiming the use of a keyboard.

    And with these videos, a new facet of Goldbluminess has become clear: There are only four videos, yet they feature three slightly different pairs of glasses.

     
  8. Mad Dog Time (1996)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, highly (!) competent gangster,  shoots his way through a slew of other gangsters—many of whom are inexplicable celebrity cameos, including, for some reason, yet another pop-icon-slash-gangster (in this case, Billy Idol)—and pauses only to seduce other gangsters’ wives and/or sisters-in-law.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    Goldblum is central to the plot of the film, though we sometimes do check in on the other gangsters’ plots.

    Goldblum hotness: 10/10

    You know what? He has more than decent hair, is fairly young, is quick with a gun, wears sharp gangster suits, and [SPOILER] is banging both of the glamorous, beautiful women in the movie. Aces.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    Though he is quite tall and gangster eyes are (as always) quite crazy, his hands don’t float (they’re poised over his gun) and somehow there is no piano in the nightclub in which most scenes take place—an obvious oversight.

     
  9. Powder (1995)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the world’s most inappropriate high school science teacher in this sci-fi-ish film, which includes a scene in which, upon learning that his genius albino teenage student hasn’t been touched by anyone since he was a young child, Jeff Goldblum responds by stroking the lad’s head.

    Goldblum presence: 4/10

    He’s in it a fair amount, but still less than a character who is in a coma and doesn’t speak a word, so, not so much.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    He’s quite young and wears a lot of tucked-in t-shirts; if you pretend that the lecture in which he punctuates every sentence with a smarmy grin is being delivered to adults, rather than a collection of 15-year-olds, he shifts from creepy to attractive. But there’s no way to gloss over the head-rubbing.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    There’s only one way to respond when you realize that your student is a genius mind-reader who can control electricity: with crazy eyes, rapid monologuing, and floating hands. There is even sexy flippance, however misdirected at his students; sadly, there are no pianos in rural Montana.

     
  10. Chain of Fools (2000)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    In this “heist comedy/romance film” starring Steve Zahn—and Jeff Goldblum, Salma Hayek, Orlando Jones, David Cross, Elijah Wood, Craig Ferguson, Tom Wilkinson, and David Hyde Pierce, inexplicably among other famous people—everyone gets in over his or her head, with the exception of surprisingly competent gangster Jeff Goldblum.

    Goldblum presence: 4/10

    Sadly, he is not competent enough a gangster to [SPOILER] avoid being incapacitated 10 minutes into the film; although he reappears periodically throughout the film, these reappearances are brief.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    Despite the wicked streak—and the excellent trench coat—he can only be so attractive while sporting Dr. Professor Brody’s facial hair.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    Competent gangsters are, apparently, as prone to rapid monologuing as their inept counterparts (although they have just as little time for piano-playing). But most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is never as tall as when two much shorter men are attempting to move his unresponsive body—or as when he attempts to escape a balcony simply by reaching up and climbing onto the balcony above.