Nine Months (1995)
Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10
Jeff Goldblum is the only character who utters the word “abortion” after his best friend, Nineties Hair Arches Hugh Grant—who has never wanted children, has never liked children, and is in a clearly unstable relationship—knocks up his girlfriend. Then Goldblum, failing artist, cheers up Hugh Grant by getting his ear pierced and taking him rollerblading, because nineties.
Goldblum presence: 5/10
Tom Arnold gets more screen time than he does. No no no.
Goldblum hotness: 7/10
His artist mullet, while it could certainly be worse, still leaves something to be desired. But he’s young, and athletic, and (naturally) has a 25-year-old girlfriend, so, okay then.
Surrounded by tiny Brits and Julianne Moore, he’s possibly at his tallest, and you better believe he’s sexy-flippant during a rollerblading encounter with a sexy babe; however, he’s too busy being the suave-yet-lonely-childfree-pal to rapid monologue, and his hands are too busy painting or playing tennis to float. And they forgot to put a piano in the winery he lives in.