Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Mad Dog Time (1996)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum, highly (!) competent gangster,  shoots his way through a slew of other gangsters—many of whom are inexplicable celebrity cameos, including, for some reason, yet another pop-icon-slash-gangster (in this case, Billy Idol)—and pauses only to seduce other gangsters’ wives and/or sisters-in-law.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

Goldblum is central to the plot of the film, though we sometimes do check in on the other gangsters’ plots.

Goldblum hotness: 10/10

You know what? He has more than decent hair, is fairly young, is quick with a gun, wears sharp gangster suits, and [SPOILER] is banging both of the glamorous, beautiful women in the movie. Aces.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

Though he is quite tall and gangster eyes are (as always) quite crazy, his hands don’t float (they’re poised over his gun) and somehow there is no piano in the nightclub in which most scenes take place—an obvious oversight.

Powder (1995)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum is the world’s most inappropriate high school science teacher in this sci-fi-ish film, which includes a scene in which, upon learning that his genius albino teenage student hasn’t been touched by anyone since he was a young child, Jeff Goldblum responds by stroking the lad’s head.

Goldblum presence: 4/10

He’s in it a fair amount, but still less than a character who is in a coma and doesn’t speak a word, so, not so much.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

He’s quite young and wears a lot of tucked-in t-shirts; if you pretend that the lecture in which he punctuates every sentence with a smarmy grin is being delivered to adults, rather than a collection of 15-year-olds, he shifts from creepy to attractive. But there’s no way to gloss over the head-rubbing.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

There’s only one way to respond when you realize that your student is a genius mind-reader who can control electricity: with crazy eyes, rapid monologuing, and floating hands. There is even sexy flippance, however misdirected at his students; sadly, there are no pianos in rural Montana.

Chain of Fools (2000)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

In this “heist comedy/romance film” starring Steve Zahn—and Jeff Goldblum, Salma Hayek, Orlando Jones, David Cross, Elijah Wood, Craig Ferguson, Tom Wilkinson, and David Hyde Pierce, inexplicably among other famous people—everyone gets in over his or her head, with the exception of surprisingly competent gangster Jeff Goldblum.

Goldblum presence: 4/10

Sadly, he is not competent enough a gangster to [SPOILER] avoid being incapacitated 10 minutes into the film; although he reappears periodically throughout the film, these reappearances are brief.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

Despite the wicked streak—and the excellent trench coat—he can only be so attractive while sporting Dr. Professor Brody’s facial hair.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Competent gangsters are, apparently, as prone to rapid monologuing as their inept counterparts (although they have just as little time for piano-playing). But most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is never as tall as when two much shorter men are attempting to move his unresponsive body—or as when he attempts to escape a balcony simply by reaching up and climbing onto the balcony above.

Thank God It’s Friday (1978)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Italian (?!) nightclub owner Jeff Goldblum will seduce your wife in this late ’70s disco fest that also features the late Donna Summer and a Latino Jason Schwartzman who dances on cars and calls himself “Leatherman.”

Goldblum presence: 6/10

It’s an ensemble comedy, so he’s not the focus of the film; that said, the ripple of seduction he leaves in his wake (jewelry store clerks! club employees! some accountant’s wife!) makes quite the impression.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

At just 25 years old, Goldblum is at his lankiest here, and the hair has not yet verged into terrible ’80s territory. He loses one point for being a sleaze, but none for being creepy: He’s not a creeper, because it’s clear that all of the women he entertains know exactly what they’re getting into (his pants, not his heart) and are, in fact, lining up for the opportunity.

Goldbluminess: 8/10

His lack of width creates the impression of extra height; he towers over everyone, including costumed gorilla elevator operators. His successful seduction efforts take the form of crazy eyes, sexy flippance, and remarkably rapid monologuing, although his hands stay stationary (the disco suit weighs them down). However, while his disco includes a game room and a stairwell in which various characters are easily trapped, he somehow neglected to install a piano.

A Bonus Photo from Beyond Suspicion, Presented Free of Context

Beyond Suspicion (2001)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

Seminar (2012)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.

Dallas 362 (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second appearance somehow landed her on the DVD cover.

Goldblum Hotness: 8/10

His M.O. is to seduce (and marry) our protagonist’s mother, so he’s quite handsy with her—and since he succeeds, making him the only character shown getting any action, he gets a nice half-naked-in-bed scene. He also wears handsome therapist suits.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

The hands just won’t stay down, the eyes stay crazy, and the rapid monologuing is out of control. He’s also a good head taller than our protagonist and folds himself up like a spider in order to sit down on the ground. Alas, what with all the seduction and the therapy, he doesn’t have time to play the piano.

Spinning Boris (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, along with Liev Schreiber and some other guy, helps Boris Yeltsin get reelected.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

He gets top billing in this Showtime Original Movie, and only rarely do we see Liev Schreiber and that other guy without him.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

He is shirtless for approximately 40% of this movie. There is absolutely zero reason for this. And when they go into the Russian baths, Liev Schrieber and that other guy wrap multiple towels around themselves—but not Goldblum; he slings a single towel low around his hips as if to say, “Is this the smallest towel you have?”

Goldbluminess: 8/10

A fear of assassination by the Russian government affords ample opportunity for Crazy Eyes and Rapid Monologuing, and even Yeltsin’s daughter gets to sample a touch of the Sexy Flippance. Unfortunately, there are no pianos in Russia.

Goosebumps: Escape from Horrorland (PC game, 1996)

Total Goldblum rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum is a Dracula who insists on dancing with a prepubescent girl. Click on his pockets to retrieve important items!

Goldblum presence: 2/10

The clip provided is 15 minutes long; perhaps 5 of them are Goldblum. Given that total gameplay is presumably well over 15 minutes, that leaves a very low Goldblum percentage.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

As is appropriate for a vampire, Goldblum oozes sexuality. Unfortunately, he does so to a 12-year-old.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Because his dance partner hasn’t hit her growth spurt yet, he’s especially tall. But he can’t Rapid Monologue with those sparkly fangs in his mouth.

(Source: io9.com)