Chain of Fools (2000)
Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10
In this “heist comedy/romance film” starring Steve Zahn—and Jeff Goldblum, Salma Hayek, Orlando Jones, David Cross, Elijah Wood, Craig Ferguson, Tom Wilkinson, and David Hyde Pierce, inexplicably among other famous people—everyone gets in over his or her head, with the exception of surprisingly competent gangster Jeff Goldblum.
Goldblum presence: 4/10
Sadly, he is not competent enough a gangster to [SPOILER] avoid being incapacitated 10 minutes into the film; although he reappears periodically throughout the film, these reappearances are brief.
Goldblum hotness: 7/10
Competent gangsters are, apparently, as prone to rapid monologuing as their inept counterparts (although they have just as little time for piano-playing). But most importantly, Jeff Goldblum is never as tall as when two much shorter men are attempting to move his unresponsive body—or as when he attempts to escape a balcony simply by reaching up and climbing onto the balcony above.