1. Hideaway (1995)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum dies, is resurrected, and finds himself psychically linked to a sunglasses-wearing teen serial killer played by Elton from Clueless, who, naturally, is out to get Jeff Goldblum’s teen daughter, Alicia Silverstone. It is not a comedy.

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    Goldblum presence: 9/10

    In a rare Protagonist Goldblum sighting, we rarely leave his side.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s near-naked a lot, but his hair’s near-mullety. Dad jeans.

    Goldbluminess: 6/10

    The eyes squint more than they’re crazy, and there’s no time to stop and play the piano while hunting down a serial killer. However, there is one charming scene in which he can’t seem to fold his extensive legs around a floor cushion, as well as one floating-handed paranoid rant.

     
  2. Jurassic Park (1993)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum is a rock star of a “chaotician” who knew this whole “resurrect giant carnivores” thing was a bad idea. Then he loses a chunk of his leg and also the buttons on his shirt.

    So very, very gratuitous.

    Goldblum presence: 5/10

    After he gets his leg…

    Jurassic Park 3D (2013)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10 (still)

    Although the 3D SHIRTLESSNESS!!! jumps the Goldblum Presence up from 5/10 to 7/10, the Hotness and Goldbluminess remain constant, leaving the overall score, still, at 8/10.

     
  3. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, struggling writer, is invaded by body snatchers.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    While Donald Sutherland is our protagonist, Jeff Goldblum is still among the five most central characters, and he gets rather a surprising amount of screen time.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    Twenty-five-year-old Jeff Goldblum is a pristine work of art who strips down to nothing but a towel; however, he does lose a single point for the clear visibility of each of his ribs. Someone needs to feed this young man.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    While there have never been eyes so crazy as those discovering one’s snatched body—and while his introduction is one of the most rapid monologues to date, thanks to his vehement dislike and/or jealousy of Leonard Nimoy—Baby Jeff Goldblum is not particularly sexy-flippant, and his hands stay mostly in his pockets. Most shocking of all: Despite running for his life—and despite stating his height during the film—Jeff Goldblum is no taller than Donald Sutherland and only slightly taller than Leonard Nimoy.

     
  4. Mad Dog Time (1996)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, highly (!) competent gangster,  shoots his way through a slew of other gangsters—many of whom are inexplicable celebrity cameos, including, for some reason, yet another pop-icon-slash-gangster (in this case, Billy Idol)—and pauses only to seduce other gangsters’ wives and/or sisters-in-law.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    Goldblum is central to the plot of the film, though we sometimes do check in on the other gangsters’ plots.

    Goldblum hotness: 10/10

    You know what? He has more than decent hair, is fairly young, is quick with a gun, wears sharp gangster suits, and [SPOILER] is banging both of the glamorous, beautiful women in the movie. Aces.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    Though he is quite tall and gangster eyes are (as always) quite crazy, his hands don’t float (they’re poised over his gun) and somehow there is no piano in the nightclub in which most scenes take place—an obvious oversight.

     
  5. Thank God It’s Friday (1978)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Italian (?!) nightclub owner Jeff Goldblum will seduce your wife in this late ’70s disco fest that also features the late Donna Summer and a Latino Jason Schwartzman who dances on cars and calls himself “Leatherman.”

    Goldblum presence: 6/10

    It’s an ensemble comedy, so he’s not the focus of the film; that said, the ripple of seduction he leaves in his wake (jewelry store clerks! club employees! some accountant’s wife!) makes quite the impression.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    At just 25 years old, Goldblum is at his lankiest here, and the hair has not yet verged into terrible ’80s territory. He loses one point for being a sleaze, but none for being creepy: He’s not a creeper, because it’s clear that all of the women he entertains know exactly what they’re getting into (his pants, not his heart) and are, in fact, lining up for the opportunity.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    His lack of width creates the impression of extra height; he towers over everyone, including costumed gorilla elevator operators. His successful seduction efforts take the form of crazy eyes, sexy flippance, and remarkably rapid monologuing, although his hands stay stationary (the disco suit weighs them down). However, while his disco includes a game room and a stairwell in which various characters are easily trapped, he somehow neglected to install a piano.

     
  6. Beyond Suspicion (2001)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

    Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

    There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

    Goldbluminess: 5/10

    Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

     
  7. Seminar (2012)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

    Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

    The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

    Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

    But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.

     
  8. Dallas 362 (2003)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second appearance somehow landed her on the DVD cover.

    Goldblum Hotness: 8/10

    His M.O. is to seduce (and marry) our protagonist’s mother, so he’s quite handsy with her—and since he succeeds, making him the only character shown getting any action, he gets a nice half-naked-in-bed scene. He also wears handsome therapist suits.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    The hands just won’t stay down, the eyes stay crazy, and the rapid monologuing is out of control. He’s also a good head taller than our protagonist and folds himself up like a spider in order to sit down on the ground. Alas, what with all the seduction and the therapy, he doesn’t have time to play the piano.

     
  9. War Stories (2003)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.