Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

A Series of Promotional PayPal Videos (2012)

Total Goldblum rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum explains why you—yes, you!—should be using PayPal for all of your purchases online, over the phone, and in stores (such as, quote, your “favorite juice shop”).

Goldblum presence: 10/10

Obviously, the marketing geniuses at PayPal (no sarcasm) realized they should just put Jeff Goldblum in front of a camera and let him go.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

Distinguished Older Gentleman, yes! Excellent vest and collared shirts. The hair, however, could stand to be a smidge longer.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Naturally the videos are each one solid rapid monologue, and the exaggerated befuddlement at having to find one’s credit card to make an online purchase is a perfect opportunity for crazy eyes. While close-ups preclude illustrations of height, there’s never been such floating hands as those pantomiming the use of a keyboard.

And with these videos, a new facet of Goldbluminess has become clear: There are only four videos, yet they feature three slightly different pairs of glasses.

Spinning Boris (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, along with Liev Schreiber and some other guy, helps Boris Yeltsin get reelected.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

He gets top billing in this Showtime Original Movie, and only rarely do we see Liev Schreiber and that other guy without him.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

He is shirtless for approximately 40% of this movie. There is absolutely zero reason for this. And when they go into the Russian baths, Liev Schrieber and that other guy wrap multiple towels around themselves—but not Goldblum; he slings a single towel low around his hips as if to say, “Is this the smallest towel you have?”

Goldbluminess: 8/10

A fear of assassination by the Russian government affords ample opportunity for Crazy Eyes and Rapid Monologuing, and even Yeltsin’s daughter gets to sample a touch of the Sexy Flippance. Unfortunately, there are no pianos in Russia.

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.

Goldblum Presence: 7/10

The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.

Goldbum Hotness: 11/10

Julie Brown introduces gratuitously shirtless Jeff Goldblum with “This is…the ultimate,” and indeed it is. In addition to being the obvious dreamboat of the movie, he is also blessed with a “love touch,” which he uses to give Geena Davis a three-hour hallucinogenic orgasm. (He also does this to her ex-fiance, two cops, and a cat.)

Goldbluminess: 8/10

He can’t rapid monologue because all of his English was learned from the television (“Are we limp and hard to manage?”), but he makes up for it in other ways: an extremely sexy flippance, being taller than glamazon Geena Davis, a lengthy jazz piano performance, and, finally, the new standard for crazy eyes.