Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.

Goldblum Presence: 7/10

The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.

Goldbum Hotness: 11/10

Julie Brown introduces gratuitously shirtless Jeff Goldblum with “This is…the ultimate,” and indeed it is. In addition to being the obvious dreamboat of the movie, he is also blessed with a “love touch,” which he uses to give Geena Davis a three-hour hallucinogenic orgasm. (He also does this to her ex-fiance, two cops, and a cat.)

Goldbluminess: 8/10

He can’t rapid monologue because all of his English was learned from the television (“Are we limp and hard to manage?”), but he makes up for it in other ways: an extremely sexy flippance, being taller than glamazon Geena Davis, a lengthy jazz piano performance, and, finally, the new standard for crazy eyes.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum is Dr. Sidney “New Jersey” Zweibel, a neurosurgeon / pianist / cowboy(?) from Fort Lee. As one of the Banzai Institute’s Hong Kong Cavaliers, New Jersey is part of Buckaroo’s team of alien-fighting scientists. And also his rock band.

Goldblum Presence: 5/10

Although he is far from being the focus of the movie, he is nonetheless an integral member of Buckaroo’s team. And rock band.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

Super young, super decent hair, but he spends the bulk of the movie in a ridiculous cowboy outfit (complete with 10-gallon hat). But then he puts on a pair of glasses, and so much is forgiven.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

The hat is unattractive, but it adds to the tallness. And he’s in prime scientist mode, complete with floating hands, rapid monologuing, and crazy eyes. And, yes, he sits down at a piano. But alas—he’s denied a love interest with whom to be crazy-flippant. So close. So very close.

Independence Day (1996)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum fights aliens (with science!) and exchanges one-liners with Will Smith.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

Although he spends a fair amount of time off-screen, he a) is the first non-President major character introduced, and b) saves the world.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

The hair is totally decent, and the glasses add a certain hipster flair (as do the plaid shirts). However, he’s unkind enough to keep the plaid shirts on throughout the movie, and lines like “I was part of something special,” though dramatic-romantic, aren’t exactly sexy.

Goldbluminess: 8/10

Rapid Monologuing for sure—including bonus “must go faster” reference to Other Goldblum Blockbuster—and he’s noticeably taller than Will Smith. If he’d only been a little more Sexy-Flippant; he’d’ve gotten a higher score and maybe his wife wouldn’t’ve left him. Oh!