Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Seminar (2012)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.

Goosebumps: Escape from Horrorland (PC game, 1996)

Total Goldblum rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum is a Dracula who insists on dancing with a prepubescent girl. Click on his pockets to retrieve important items!

Goldblum presence: 2/10

The clip provided is 15 minutes long; perhaps 5 of them are Goldblum. Given that total gameplay is presumably well over 15 minutes, that leaves a very low Goldblum percentage.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

As is appropriate for a vampire, Goldblum oozes sexuality. Unfortunately, he does so to a 12-year-old.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Because his dance partner hasn’t hit her growth spurt yet, he’s especially tall. But he can’t Rapid Monologue with those sparkly fangs in his mouth.

(Source: io9.com)

Mini’s First Time (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum creeps on a high-school student (the eponymous Mini) after her mother (with whom he had been sleeping) dies. Unfortunately (for Jeff Goldblum), the girl’s stepfather (Alec Baldwin) takes issue with this (because he is sleeping with her). (Ew.)

Goldblum presence: 3/10

He only appears in a few scenes, most of which involve distant leering.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

“At least he isn’t her stepfather” is not the highest recommendation for a potential paramour. And although he does some bathrobe lounging and dates a much younger woman (his 20-something girlfriend, not the 10-something Mini), it doesn’t make up for the too-short hair. Or the creepiness.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

When Jeff Goldblum sets out to seduce a much, much younger woman, he does it with Sexy Flippance, Rapid Monologuing, and piano playing (how else?)—and when Alec Baldwin comes to beat his face in, Jeff Goldblum reacts with Crazy Eyes. He’s quite tall in every party scene, but he still loses one point for being a total creep.

Morning Glory (2010)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

In this peppy newsroom-rom-com, Jeff Goldblum hires Rachel McAdams to run his morning show.

Goldblum Presence: 6/10

Of the six “stars” billed in this film, he has the least screen time.

Goldblum Hotness: 9/10

He has several jogging-round-the-reservoir scenes, which, yes. And he wears a few suits, and—because he’s Jeff Goldblum—he has a 20+-years-younger girlfriend. And, not to speak ill of Harrison Ford, but consider this: In 1977, Harrison Ford looked like this and Jeff Goldblum looked like this. In Morning Glory, Jeff Goldblum looks like the above photo and Mr. Ford looks like this. Game, set, and match to Goldblum.

Goldbluminess: 6/10

There’s a scene in which Rachel McAdams trots up the stairs so that she can she can look him in the eye, so check plus on being tall. And his eyes are crazy and his monologuing is rapid—but, sadly, it’s also mean. He is mean to Rachel McAdams, which is, frankly, not what we expect. And there’s nary a piano in sight.

The Switch (2010)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this unsurprising rom-com, Jeff Goldblum is the thrice-divorced best friend / source of wisdom for the more-neurotic (yes, really) Jason Bateman.

Goldblum presence: 6/10

Is he in the movie all that much? No. But there are only five adult characters in this thing, and he’s one of them—he’s even billed as “starring.”

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

This movie is supposedly a romance, but there is absolutely no sizzle between the two main characters—they’re more like siblings than lovers. But Jeff Goldblum, in his few scenes, is shown lounging in a bathrobe, exchanging kisses with, and being fed strawberries by, a 20-years-younger woman. He’s mentioned as having had three wives and is apparently working on the fourth. In essence, this ancillary character has more sex than the focus of the romance.

And he wears a lot of suits.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

There’s quite a bit of rapid monologuing with floating hands, but the very last scene sets a new standard with its extravagant Goldbluminess. Evidently no child’s birthday is complete without a lengthy jazz piano interpretation of “Happy Birthday”—at least, not if the child in question has an Uncle Jeff Goldblum.

Pittsburgh! (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum stars in a regional theatre production of The Music Man so that his 24-year-old Canadian girlfriend can get a work visa. Illeana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr also have roles in the production, and Moby is Illeana’s ill-advised boyfriend who’s really into amateur porn. It’s a mockumentary (OR IS IT), like Christopher Guest meets Extras.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

It’s abundant Goldblum, but sometimes he has to leave the room.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

There’s no denying that he’s aged alarmingly well. I would have liked more sizzle with the girlfriend and less sappy, perhaps.

Goldbluminess: 11/10

The only thing Goldblumier than Goldblum is Goldblum doing Goldblum. An exaggerated version of yourself? Mr. Goldblum, you have gone above and beyond.