Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Beyond Suspicion (2001)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

Seminar (2012)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.

Goosebumps: Escape from Horrorland (PC game, 1996)

Total Goldblum rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum is a Dracula who insists on dancing with a prepubescent girl. Click on his pockets to retrieve important items!

Goldblum presence: 2/10

The clip provided is 15 minutes long; perhaps 5 of them are Goldblum. Given that total gameplay is presumably well over 15 minutes, that leaves a very low Goldblum percentage.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

As is appropriate for a vampire, Goldblum oozes sexuality. Unfortunately, he does so to a 12-year-old.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Because his dance partner hasn’t hit her growth spurt yet, he’s especially tall. But he can’t Rapid Monologue with those sparkly fangs in his mouth.

(Source: io9.com)

Man of the Year (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Eeeeeevil Jeff Goldblum, corporate sleaze, tries to have Laura Linney killed when she tells Robin Williams—who is, and is not, Jon Stewart—that a glitch in EvilCo’s computer voting systems caused him to be falsely elected President.

Goldblum presence: 2/10

He’s in this movie for, possibly, three (evil) minutes total.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

Very decent hair; very nice suits. The evilness lends a certain bad boy appeal.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

Those three minutes he’s on screen? He rapid monologues the whole time. He never stops talking. And in his scene with Laura Linney, he’s shot from below, because he’s very, very tall. Crazy “I’m Going to Have You Killed” Eyes also make an appearance.

Mini’s First Time (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum creeps on a high-school student (the eponymous Mini) after her mother (with whom he had been sleeping) dies. Unfortunately (for Jeff Goldblum), the girl’s stepfather (Alec Baldwin) takes issue with this (because he is sleeping with her). (Ew.)

Goldblum presence: 3/10

He only appears in a few scenes, most of which involve distant leering.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

“At least he isn’t her stepfather” is not the highest recommendation for a potential paramour. And although he does some bathrobe lounging and dates a much younger woman (his 20-something girlfriend, not the 10-something Mini), it doesn’t make up for the too-short hair. Or the creepiness.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

When Jeff Goldblum sets out to seduce a much, much younger woman, he does it with Sexy Flippance, Rapid Monologuing, and piano playing (how else?)—and when Alec Baldwin comes to beat his face in, Jeff Goldblum reacts with Crazy Eyes. He’s quite tall in every party scene, but he still loses one point for being a total creep.

The Big Chill (1983)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum is one of several disillusioned boomers who, with the aid of a stellar soundtrack, must come to grips with the sudden death of a friend. It’s your parents’ Breakfast Club.

Goldblum Presence: 7/10

It’s an ensemble movie, so while he’s not the focus, he’s certainly given as much attention as anyone else (though perhaps less sympathy).

Goldblum Hotness: 5/10

Everyone—even the guy with severe erectile dysfunction—manages to get with a lady. Except Jeff Goldblum. Because he is a total creepout. He spends the whole damn movie trying to score with somebody—anybody—and is (so creepily) unsuccessful. Somehow it’s worse than the dog fetish.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

There’s one fantastic scene that has him pontificating, so we get excellent floating hands and rapid monologuing. He’s sporty at one point, which is odd, but it demonstrates how very tall he is, so it’s OK. No sexy-flippant and no piano, unfortunately. (This is presumably why he doesn’t get any ladies.)