1. Deep Cover (1992)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

    Jeff Goldblum is a drug-dealing lawyer who gets to deliver such gems of dialogue as “I want my cake and eat it too…I want my cake and eat it too” and “We’ll have barbecue JUMBO shrimp, you motha f—kaaaaaaaa!” And he does this.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    This movie is about an undercover cop posing as a drug dealer, and Jeff Goldblum is his partner (dealing drugs, not undercover cop-ing).

    Goldblum hotness: 5/10

    For a movie that has him getting a fair amount of action—complete with unbuttoned shirt and disheveled hair—he’s surprisingly unsexy. Maybe it’s hearing the phrase “brown shower” come out of his mouth, but more likely it’s all the racism. (“How come I like balling black chicks so much?” “You were like some beautiful panther, or jungle storm.”)

    Goldbluminess: 6/10

    Although the Crazy Eyes are in top form, the rapid monologuing lacks that certain level of sexy-flippant. You could almost see him forcibly restraining the floating hands, too. He didn’t tower over Laurence Fishburne and he never comes anywhere near a piano. Meh.

     
  2. Independence Day (1996)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum fights aliens (with science!) and exchanges one-liners with Will Smith.

    Yes, yes. Let's try again, without the "oops."

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    Although he spends a fair amount of time off-screen, he a) is the first non-President major character introduced, and b) saves the world.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    The hair is totally decent, and the glasses add a certain hipster flair (as do the plaid shirts). However, he’s unkind enough to keep the plaid shirts on throughout the movie, and lines like “I was part of something special,” though dramatic-romantic, aren’t exactly sexy.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    Rapid Monologuing for sure—including bonus “must go faster” reference to Other Goldblum Blockbuster—and he’s noticeably taller than Will Smith. If he’d only been a little more Sexy-Flippant; he’d’ve gotten a higher score and maybe his wife wouldn’t’ve left him. Oh!