Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

War Stories (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.

Pittsburgh! (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum stars in a regional theatre production of The Music Man so that his 24-year-old Canadian girlfriend can get a work visa. Illeana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr also have roles in the production, and Moby is Illeana’s ill-advised boyfriend who’s really into amateur porn. It’s a mockumentary (OR IS IT), like Christopher Guest meets Extras.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

It’s abundant Goldblum, but sometimes he has to leave the room.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

There’s no denying that he’s aged alarmingly well. I would have liked more sizzle with the girlfriend and less sappy, perhaps.

Goldbluminess: 11/10

The only thing Goldblumier than Goldblum is Goldblum doing Goldblum. An exaggerated version of yourself? Mr. Goldblum, you have gone above and beyond.

Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Total Goldblum rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are tabloid reporters sent to Transylvania to find Frankenstein (wait, what?) in this not-quite-a-Mel Brooks movie. There’s a theme song.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

There’s lots of Goldblum, but occasionally we follow Ed Begley on his adventures.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He’s quite young and has totally decent hair. Sometimes he lounges around in a bathrobe. Geena Davis also gets honorable mention in this category for running around dressed like this.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

Sexy-Flippant for sure, plus plenty of Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands. But he’s almost too suave in this movie, and it’s quite clear that he’s meant to be the traditionally attractive one compared to Ed Begley. And mainstream attraction is not what Goldbluminess is all about.