Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Beyond Suspicion (2001)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

Dallas 362 (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second appearance somehow landed her on the DVD cover.

Goldblum Hotness: 8/10

His M.O. is to seduce (and marry) our protagonist’s mother, so he’s quite handsy with her—and since he succeeds, making him the only character shown getting any action, he gets a nice half-naked-in-bed scene. He also wears handsome therapist suits.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

The hands just won’t stay down, the eyes stay crazy, and the rapid monologuing is out of control. He’s also a good head taller than our protagonist and folds himself up like a spider in order to sit down on the ground. Alas, what with all the seduction and the therapy, he doesn’t have time to play the piano.

Into the Night (1985)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum saves Michelle Pfeiffer from David Bowie’s band of gangsters. Despite a cast that also includes Dan Aykroyd, this unengaging “thriller” is nowhere near as zany or madcap as one might hope. And David Bowie wears a suit, as opposed to this, which is disappointing.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

Occasionally our attention is directed to Michelle Pfeiffer or to various gangsters, but what little plot there is centers around the Goldblum.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He’s quite young, and the hair is exceptionally decent for the decade. He also lounges around shirtless, which is nice; however, his demeanor generally stays in the realm of “bewildered and overwhelmed” rather than “sexy and appealing.”

Goldbluminess: 5/10

He’s fairly tall, but Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t short. He spends the bulk of the film reacting alarmedly to the goings-on around him, which results in some excellent Rapid Monologuing and a healthy dose of Crazy Eyes—but leaves no time for Sexy-Flippance, and certainly no time for piano playing.

The Great White Hype (1996)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Jeff Goldblum is in over his head (again) as he gives up his integrity as an investigative journalist in order to sell out to Samuel L. Jackson and then fail horribly at taking over his empire.

Goldblum presence: 4/10

Needs more Goldblum. Cheech gets more screen time than he does.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He spends the bulk of the movie in typical intellectual Goldblum attire (plaid shirt, glasses, unkempt hair), which is of course nice, if perhaps unimpressive. But then he puts on a suit, and then a tuxedo, and then he smokes a cigar with his perfect lips. Yes.

Goldbluminess: 4/10

No piano, no Crazy Eyes, the hands float only minimally and the monologuing is moderately paced. He’s pretty tall—but so is Samuel L. Jackson. Meh.