Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.

Goldblum Presence: 7/10

The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.

Goldbum Hotness: 11/10

Julie Brown introduces gratuitously shirtless Jeff Goldblum with “This is…the ultimate,” and indeed it is. In addition to being the obvious dreamboat of the movie, he is also blessed with a “love touch,” which he uses to give Geena Davis a three-hour hallucinogenic orgasm. (He also does this to her ex-fiance, two cops, and a cat.)

Goldbluminess: 8/10

He can’t rapid monologue because all of his English was learned from the television (“Are we limp and hard to manage?”), but he makes up for it in other ways: an extremely sexy flippance, being taller than glamazon Geena Davis, a lengthy jazz piano performance, and, finally, the new standard for crazy eyes.

The Fly (1986)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum accidentally turns himself into a fly.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

Goldblum is the titular fly, though not necessarily the protagonist—that role is filled by Geena Davis.

Goldblum hotness, Part One: 9/10

Until about 45 minutes through the movie, Jeff Goldblum is young, ripped, and having naked sexy time with Geena Davis. His hair is terrible, but we see his butt, so.

Goldblum hotness, Part Two: -10/10

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Dr. Brundle is a super tall, crazy eyed, rapid monologuing, sexy-flippant pianist. Minus one point for turning into a fly monster.

Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

Total Goldblum rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are tabloid reporters sent to Transylvania to find Frankenstein (wait, what?) in this not-quite-a-Mel Brooks movie. There’s a theme song.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

There’s lots of Goldblum, but occasionally we follow Ed Begley on his adventures.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He’s quite young and has totally decent hair. Sometimes he lounges around in a bathrobe. Geena Davis also gets honorable mention in this category for running around dressed like this.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

Sexy-Flippant for sure, plus plenty of Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands. But he’s almost too suave in this movie, and it’s quite clear that he’s meant to be the traditionally attractive one compared to Ed Begley. And mainstream attraction is not what Goldbluminess is all about.