1. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, struggling writer, is invaded by body snatchers.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    While Donald Sutherland is our protagonist, Jeff Goldblum is still among the five most central characters, and he gets rather a surprising amount of screen time.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    Twenty-five-year-old Jeff Goldblum is a pristine work of art who strips down to nothing but a towel; however, he does lose a single point for the clear visibility of each of his ribs. Someone needs to feed this young man.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    While there have never been eyes so crazy as those discovering one’s snatched body—and while his introduction is one of the most rapid monologues to date, thanks to his vehement dislike and/or jealousy of Leonard Nimoy—Baby Jeff Goldblum is not particularly sexy-flippant, and his hands stay mostly in his pockets. Most shocking of all: Despite running for his life—and despite stating his height during the film—Jeff Goldblum is no taller than Donald Sutherland and only slightly taller than Leonard Nimoy.

     
  2. Seminar (2012)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

    Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

    The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

    Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

    But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.

     
  3. War Stories (2003)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.

     
  4. Morning Glory (2010)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    In this peppy newsroom-rom-com, Jeff Goldblum hires Rachel McAdams to run his morning show.

     

    Goldblum Presence: 6/10

    Of the six “stars” billed in this film, he has the least screen time.

    Goldblum Hotness: 9/10

    He has several jogging-round-the-reservoir scenes, which, yes. And he wears a few suits, and—because he’s Jeff Goldblum—he has a 20+-years-younger girlfriend. And, not to speak ill of Harrison Ford, but consider this: In 1977, Harrison Ford looked like this and Jeff Goldblum looked like this. In Morning Glory, Jeff Goldblum looks like the above photo and Mr. Ford looks like this. Game, set, and match to Goldblum.

    Goldbluminess: 6/10

    There’s a scene in which Rachel McAdams trots up the stairs so that she can she can look him in the eye, so check plus on being tall. And his eyes are crazy and his monologuing is rapid—but, sadly, it’s also mean. He is mean to Rachel McAdams, which is, frankly, not what we expect. And there’s nary a piano in sight.

     
  5. The Great White Hype (1996)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

    Jeff Goldblum is in over his head (again) as he gives up his integrity as an investigative journalist in order to sell out to Samuel L. Jackson and then fail horribly at taking over his empire.

    Goldblum presence: 4/10

    Needs more Goldblum. Cheech gets more screen time than he does.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He spends the bulk of the movie in typical intellectual Goldblum attire (plaid shirt, glasses, unkempt hair), which is of course nice, if perhaps unimpressive. But then he puts on a suit, and then a tuxedo, and then he smokes a cigar with his perfect lips. Yes.

    Goldbluminess: 4/10

    No piano, no Crazy Eyes, the hands float only minimally and the monologuing is moderately paced. He’s pretty tall—but so is Samuel L. Jackson. Meh.

     
  6. The Big Chill (1983)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

    Jeff Goldblum is one of several disillusioned boomers who, with the aid of a stellar soundtrack, must come to grips with the sudden death of a friend. It’s your parents’ Breakfast Club.

    Goldblum Presence: 7/10

    It’s an ensemble movie, so while he’s not the focus, he’s certainly given as much attention as anyone else (though perhaps less sympathy).

    Goldblum Hotness: 5/10

    Everyone—even the guy with severe erectile dysfunction—manages to get with a lady. Except Jeff Goldblum. Because he is a total creepout. He spends the whole damn movie trying to score with somebody—anybody—and is (so creepily) unsuccessful. Somehow it’s worse than the dog fetish.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    There’s one fantastic scene that has him pontificating, so we get excellent floating hands and rapid monologuing. He’s sporty at one point, which is odd, but it demonstrates how very tall he is, so it’s OK. No sexy-flippant and no piano, unfortunately. (This is presumably why he doesn’t get any ladies.)

     
  7. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

    Total Goldblum rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are tabloid reporters sent to Transylvania to find Frankenstein (wait, what?) in this not-quite-a-Mel Brooks movie. There’s a theme song.

    Transylvania 6! FIVE THOUSAND.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    There’s lots of Goldblum, but occasionally we follow Ed Begley on his adventures.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s quite young and has totally decent hair. Sometimes he lounges around in a bathrobe. Geena Davis also gets honorable mention in this category for running around dressed like this.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    Sexy-Flippant for sure, plus plenty of Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands. But he’s almost too suave in this movie, and it’s quite clear that he’s meant to be the traditionally attractive one compared to Ed Begley. And mainstream attraction is not what Goldbluminess is all about.