Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In Jurassic Park II: Electric Goldblumaloo, Jeff Goldblum liberates, and then runs from, some dinosaurs. It is nothing like the book of the same name, except a) there is an island, where b) they go, to find c) dinosaurs.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

He’s definitely the driving force of the film, but the Bad Guys and Rampaging Dinos get quite a bit of face time.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

Whereas in the first film he was a force of mathematics and seduction, in this movie he’s somebody’s dad. Who keeps his shirt on the whole time. Only running around in the rain can save him from a lower score.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Fact: Vince Vaughn is a giant. And in every scene, no matter the perspective, Jeff Goldblum is taller than Vince Vaughn. See also: rampant Rapid Monologuing and some of the best Crazy Eyes to date.

Jurassic Park (1993)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum is a rock star of a “chaotician” who knew this whole “resurrect giant carnivores” thing was a bad idea. Then he loses a chunk of his leg and also the buttons on his shirt.

Goldblum presence: 5/10

After he gets his leg banged up, he has to lie around wincing (but shirtless) while we watch Hat Man try to save the kids. (Incidentally, this would’ve gotten a 6/10 if the little girl had screamed even slightly less.)

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

He’s a Man in Black rock star mathematician who seduces a lady with a water drop. And the last 3/4 of the movie is just gratuitous Goldblum shirtlessness.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

So very much Sexy-Flippant with Crazy Eyes, Floating Hands, and a good chunk of Rapid Monologuing. And as for being tall? At one point he takes the stairs three at a time. Yes.