Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Man of the Year (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Eeeeeevil Jeff Goldblum, corporate sleaze, tries to have Laura Linney killed when she tells Robin Williams—who is, and is not, Jon Stewart—that a glitch in EvilCo’s computer voting systems caused him to be falsely elected President.

Goldblum presence: 2/10

He’s in this movie for, possibly, three (evil) minutes total.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

Very decent hair; very nice suits. The evilness lends a certain bad boy appeal.

Goldbluminess: 7/10

Those three minutes he’s on screen? He rapid monologues the whole time. He never stops talking. And in his scene with Laura Linney, he’s shot from below, because he’s very, very tall. Crazy “I’m Going to Have You Killed” Eyes also make an appearance.

The Great White Hype (1996)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Jeff Goldblum is in over his head (again) as he gives up his integrity as an investigative journalist in order to sell out to Samuel L. Jackson and then fail horribly at taking over his empire.

Goldblum presence: 4/10

Needs more Goldblum. Cheech gets more screen time than he does.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He spends the bulk of the movie in typical intellectual Goldblum attire (plaid shirt, glasses, unkempt hair), which is of course nice, if perhaps unimpressive. But then he puts on a suit, and then a tuxedo, and then he smokes a cigar with his perfect lips. Yes.

Goldbluminess: 4/10

No piano, no Crazy Eyes, the hands float only minimally and the monologuing is moderately paced. He’s pretty tall—but so is Samuel L. Jackson. Meh.