1. Jurassic Park (1993)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum is a rock star of a “chaotician” who knew this whole “resurrect giant carnivores” thing was a bad idea. Then he loses a chunk of his leg and also the buttons on his shirt.

    So very, very gratuitous.

    Goldblum presence: 5/10

    After he gets his leg…

    Jurassic Park 3D (2013)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10 (still)

    Although the 3D SHIRTLESSNESS!!! jumps the Goldblum Presence up from 5/10 to 7/10, the Hotness and Goldbluminess remain constant, leaving the overall score, still, at 8/10.

     
  2. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, struggling writer, is invaded by body snatchers.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    While Donald Sutherland is our protagonist, Jeff Goldblum is still among the five most central characters, and he gets rather a surprising amount of screen time.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    Twenty-five-year-old Jeff Goldblum is a pristine work of art who strips down to nothing but a towel; however, he does lose a single point for the clear visibility of each of his ribs. Someone needs to feed this young man.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    While there have never been eyes so crazy as those discovering one’s snatched body—and while his introduction is one of the most rapid monologues to date, thanks to his vehement dislike and/or jealousy of Leonard Nimoy—Baby Jeff Goldblum is not particularly sexy-flippant, and his hands stay mostly in his pockets. Most shocking of all: Despite running for his life—and despite stating his height during the film—Jeff Goldblum is no taller than Donald Sutherland and only slightly taller than Leonard Nimoy.

     
  3. Mad Dog Time (1996)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum, highly (!) competent gangster,  shoots his way through a slew of other gangsters—many of whom are inexplicable celebrity cameos, including, for some reason, yet another pop-icon-slash-gangster (in this case, Billy Idol)—and pauses only to seduce other gangsters’ wives and/or sisters-in-law.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    Goldblum is central to the plot of the film, though we sometimes do check in on the other gangsters’ plots.

    Goldblum hotness: 10/10

    You know what? He has more than decent hair, is fairly young, is quick with a gun, wears sharp gangster suits, and [SPOILER] is banging both of the glamorous, beautiful women in the movie. Aces.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    Though he is quite tall and gangster eyes are (as always) quite crazy, his hands don’t float (they’re poised over his gun) and somehow there is no piano in the nightclub in which most scenes take place—an obvious oversight.

     
  4. Beyond Suspicion (2001)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

    Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

    There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

    Goldbluminess: 5/10

    Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

     
  5. Dallas 362 (2003)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second appearance somehow landed her on the DVD cover.

    Goldblum Hotness: 8/10

    His M.O. is to seduce (and marry) our protagonist’s mother, so he’s quite handsy with her—and since he succeeds, making him the only character shown getting any action, he gets a nice half-naked-in-bed scene. He also wears handsome therapist suits.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    The hands just won’t stay down, the eyes stay crazy, and the rapid monologuing is out of control. He’s also a good head taller than our protagonist and folds himself up like a spider in order to sit down on the ground. Alas, what with all the seduction and the therapy, he doesn’t have time to play the piano.

     
  6. Spinning Boris (2003)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum, along with Liev Schreiber and some other guy, helps Boris Yeltsin get reelected.

    Goldblum presence: 9/10

    He gets top billing in this Showtime Original Movie, and only rarely do we see Liev Schreiber and that other guy without him.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    He is shirtless for approximately 40% of this movie. There is absolutely zero reason for this. And when they go into the Russian baths, Liev Schrieber and that other guy wrap multiple towels around themselves—but not Goldblum; he slings a single towel low around his hips as if to say, “Is this the smallest towel you have?”

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    A fear of assassination by the Russian government affords ample opportunity for Crazy Eyes and Rapid Monologuing, and even Yeltsin’s daughter gets to sample a touch of the Sexy Flippance. Unfortunately, there are no pianos in Russia.

     
  7. War Stories (2003)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.

     
  8. Into the Night (1985)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum saves Michelle Pfeiffer from David Bowie’s band of gangsters. Despite a cast that also includes Dan Aykroyd, this unengaging “thriller” is nowhere near as zany or madcap as one might hope. And David Bowie wears a suit, as opposed to this, which is disappointing.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    Occasionally our attention is directed to Michelle Pfeiffer or to various gangsters, but what little plot there is centers around the Goldblum.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s quite young, and the hair is exceptionally decent for the decade. He also lounges around shirtless, which is nice; however, his demeanor generally stays in the realm of “bewildered and overwhelmed” rather than “sexy and appealing.”

    Goldbluminess: 5/10

    He’s fairly tall, but Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t short. He spends the bulk of the film reacting alarmedly to the goings-on around him, which results in some excellent Rapid Monologuing and a healthy dose of Crazy Eyes—but leaves no time for Sexy-Flippance, and certainly no time for piano playing.

     
  9. Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.

    Goldblum Presence: 7/10

    The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.

    Goldbum Hotness: 11/10

    Julie Brown introduces gratuitously shirtless Jeff Goldblum with “This is…the ultimate,” and indeed it is. In addition to being the obvious dreamboat of the movie, he is also blessed with a “love touch,” which he uses to give Geena Davis a three-hour hallucinogenic orgasm. (He also does this to her ex-fiance, two cops, and a cat.)

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    He can’t rapid monologue because all of his English was learned from the television (“Are we limp and hard to manage?”), but he makes up for it in other ways: an extremely sexy flippance, being taller than glamazon Geena Davis, a lengthy jazz piano performance, and, finally, the new standard for crazy eyes.

     
  10. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    Sir Jeff Goldblum is Bill Murray’s “part-gay” professional and romantic rival, whom Team Zissou steals from and then rescues.

    Goldblum presence: 4/10

    For being the title character’s rival, he doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time (although he’s certainly captivating when on-screen).

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s in Distinguished Older Gentleman mode, and while the pink scarf isn’t particularly attractive, the tuxedo certainly is. And once he’s been wounded, he lounges around, Jurassic Park style, with only tightly-wrapped bandages for a shirt. Hello, shoulders; we have missed you.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    Although the hands do float, there’s not much Rapid Monologuing or even Crazy Eyes, for that matter. But he takes the Sexy-Flippant to a new level and he’s taller than everyone.