Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

War Stories (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.

Mini’s First Time (2006)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum creeps on a high-school student (the eponymous Mini) after her mother (with whom he had been sleeping) dies. Unfortunately (for Jeff Goldblum), the girl’s stepfather (Alec Baldwin) takes issue with this (because he is sleeping with her). (Ew.)

Goldblum presence: 3/10

He only appears in a few scenes, most of which involve distant leering.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

“At least he isn’t her stepfather” is not the highest recommendation for a potential paramour. And although he does some bathrobe lounging and dates a much younger woman (his 20-something girlfriend, not the 10-something Mini), it doesn’t make up for the too-short hair. Or the creepiness.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

When Jeff Goldblum sets out to seduce a much, much younger woman, he does it with Sexy Flippance, Rapid Monologuing, and piano playing (how else?)—and when Alec Baldwin comes to beat his face in, Jeff Goldblum reacts with Crazy Eyes. He’s quite tall in every party scene, but he still loses one point for being a total creep.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this made-for-TV-movie, Jeff Goldblum battles ghosts (with skepticism!) and fights Dick Butkus (really) for the hand of Laura Fuller.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

The majority of the action is centered on Ichabod, naturally, but sometimes we watch others plot—particularly Dick Butkus (really) and Neil Gaiman (not really).

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He’s in his 20s and wears cravats. Yes please.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

“Ichabod has googly eyes for your Katrina” (No; that’s just how he looks). He’s a head taller than everybody else and they call him “Scarecrane.” And then he plays the organ.

The Fly (1986)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum accidentally turns himself into a fly.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

Goldblum is the titular fly, though not necessarily the protagonist—that role is filled by Geena Davis.

Goldblum hotness, Part One: 9/10

Until about 45 minutes through the movie, Jeff Goldblum is young, ripped, and having naked sexy time with Geena Davis. His hair is terrible, but we see his butt, so.

Goldblum hotness, Part Two: -10/10

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Dr. Brundle is a super tall, crazy eyed, rapid monologuing, sexy-flippant pianist. Minus one point for turning into a fly monster.

The Switch (2010)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this unsurprising rom-com, Jeff Goldblum is the thrice-divorced best friend / source of wisdom for the more-neurotic (yes, really) Jason Bateman.

Goldblum presence: 6/10

Is he in the movie all that much? No. But there are only five adult characters in this thing, and he’s one of them—he’s even billed as “starring.”

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

This movie is supposedly a romance, but there is absolutely no sizzle between the two main characters—they’re more like siblings than lovers. But Jeff Goldblum, in his few scenes, is shown lounging in a bathrobe, exchanging kisses with, and being fed strawberries by, a 20-years-younger woman. He’s mentioned as having had three wives and is apparently working on the fourth. In essence, this ancillary character has more sex than the focus of the romance.

And he wears a lot of suits.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

There’s quite a bit of rapid monologuing with floating hands, but the very last scene sets a new standard with its extravagant Goldbluminess. Evidently no child’s birthday is complete without a lengthy jazz piano interpretation of “Happy Birthday”—at least, not if the child in question has an Uncle Jeff Goldblum.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum is Dr. Sidney “New Jersey” Zweibel, a neurosurgeon / pianist / cowboy(?) from Fort Lee. As one of the Banzai Institute’s Hong Kong Cavaliers, New Jersey is part of Buckaroo’s team of alien-fighting scientists. And also his rock band.

Goldblum Presence: 5/10

Although he is far from being the focus of the movie, he is nonetheless an integral member of Buckaroo’s team. And rock band.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

Super young, super decent hair, but he spends the bulk of the movie in a ridiculous cowboy outfit (complete with 10-gallon hat). But then he puts on a pair of glasses, and so much is forgiven.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

The hat is unattractive, but it adds to the tallness. And he’s in prime scientist mode, complete with floating hands, rapid monologuing, and crazy eyes. And, yes, he sits down at a piano. But alas—he’s denied a love interest with whom to be crazy-flippant. So close. So very close.