1. Beyond Suspicion (2001)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

    Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

    There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

    Goldbluminess: 5/10

    Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

     
  2. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (1980)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    In this made-for-TV-movie, Jeff Goldblum battles ghosts (with skepticism!) and fights Dick Butkus (really) for the hand of Laura Fuller.

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    The majority of the action is centered on Ichabod, naturally, but sometimes we watch others plot—particularly Dick Butkus (really) and Neil Gaiman (not really).

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s in his 20s and wears cravats. Yes please.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    "Ichabod has googly eyes for your Katrina" (No; that’s just how he looks). He’s a head taller than everybody else and they call him "Scarecrane." And then he plays the organ.

     
  3. Pittsburgh! (2006)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum stars in a regional theatre production of The Music Man so that his 24-year-old Canadian girlfriend can get a work visa. Illeana Douglas and Ed Begley Jr also have roles in the production, and Moby is Illeana’s ill-advised boyfriend who’s really into amateur porn. It’s a mockumentary (OR IS IT), like Christopher Guest meets Extras.

    Yessir, we got trouble right here.

    Goldblum presence: 9/10

    It’s abundant Goldblum, but sometimes he has to leave the room.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    There’s no denying that he’s aged alarmingly well. I would have liked more sizzle with the girlfriend and less sappy, perhaps.

    Goldbluminess: 11/10

    The only thing Goldblumier than Goldblum is Goldblum doing Goldblum. An exaggerated version of yourself? Mr. Goldblum, you have gone above and beyond.

     
  4. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)

    Total Goldblum rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. are tabloid reporters sent to Transylvania to find Frankenstein (wait, what?) in this not-quite-a-Mel Brooks movie. There’s a theme song.

    Transylvania 6! FIVE THOUSAND.

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    There’s lots of Goldblum, but occasionally we follow Ed Begley on his adventures.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    He’s quite young and has totally decent hair. Sometimes he lounges around in a bathrobe. Geena Davis also gets honorable mention in this category for running around dressed like this.

    Goldbluminess: 7/10

    Sexy-Flippant for sure, plus plenty of Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands. But he’s almost too suave in this movie, and it’s quite clear that he’s meant to be the traditionally attractive one compared to Ed Begley. And mainstream attraction is not what Goldbluminess is all about.

     
  5. Framed (1990)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    In this made-for-TV movie, Jeff Goldblum is an art forger whose ladyfriend/partner may or may not have set him up to take the fall for a caper gone wrong. Then it’s a big Two Years Later and Can We Trust Her.

    It's like a mane...

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    Although he’s certainly the protagonist, he’s not constantly on camera. Sometimes we watch the love interest/maybe-villainess or the Quirky Best Friend. (Side note: in this movie, Jeff Goldblum has a Quirky Best Friend. He normally is the Quirky Best Friend. In this movie, there’s a character quirkier than Jeff Goldblum. It’s shocking.)

    Goldblum hotness: 6/10

    There’s sexy time, and he isn’t afraid to hang out shirtless (hooray). But you might as well forget that, as this movie features what is, without a doubt, the worst Goldblum hair to date (and that includes the blue fur in Earth Girls Are Easy) (I’m not kidding). It’s possible he’s meant to look artistic—but he just looks depressing.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    Sexy-Flippant with Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands, plus Rambling Dialogue. There’s a chase scene that he’s quite tall in. However, the movie got it wrong: Jeff Goldblum doesn’t paint; he plays the piano.

     
  6. The Tall Guy (1989)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum defeats Mr. Bean and goes on to woo Emma Thompson (inexplicably successfully) and take the lead in Elephant!, an Elephant Man musical.

    "All these weeks I've been coming here, I've been wanting to ask you something. What I really want to know is... er, what's your name?"

    Goldblum presence: 10/10

    It’s called “The Tall Guy,” and lord knows they’re not referring to Rowan Atkinson. Bless his heart.

    Goldblum hotness: 6/10

    There’s an extraordinary amount of sexy time, but I can’t stress enough how ridiculous it is. He and Emma Thompson completely trash his apartment in the midst of hyperbolic passion. Hilarious, but not sexy. Then he puts on Elephant Man makeup.

    Moreover, his hair is terrible.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    Sexy-Flippant? Check. Crazy Eyes? Check. Being tall? Super check. And yes, this movie is full of the pitter-patter of unnecessarily fast Goldblum dialogue. But I prefer to feel unconflicted about my Goldblum, and frankly, his character in this movie is kind of an ass.

     
  7. Vibes (1988)

    Total Goldblum rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum, a psychometrist, teams up with fellow psychic Cyndi Lauper to fight a mystical force in Ecuador. And to find love.

    "Another man has been holding these panties. You know I can tell."

    Goldblum presence: 9/10

    About as much Goldblum as you can have without calling the movie Goldblum.

    Goldblum hotness: 9/10

    No naked, but lots of running around sweaty in an unbuttoned shirt. Plus sexy time with Cyndi Lauper.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    So much Sexy-Flippant. So much Crazy Eyes. And he’s so much taller than Cyndi Lauper.

     
  8. Adam Resurrected (2009)

    Total Goldblum rating: 7/10

    Jeff Goldblum plays a psychic Holocaust survivor with a dog fetish. It’s a drama.

     "I can still bark for you."

    Goldblum presence: 10/10 

    He’s the title character and protagonist and is in every scene.

    Goldblum hotness: 7/10

    He has some sexy time, but it’s marred by the aforementioned dog fetish. There’s a brief ass-flash, and if that wasn’t a body double, then considering this movie was made in 2008, your behind had held up admirably well, Mr. Goldblum.

    Goldbluminess: 4/10

    He’s not playing a Jeff Goldblum Character. He’s got a German accent and the only time he’s allowed to be Sexy-Flippant With Crazy Eyes is in flashbacks.