1. Seminar (2012)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

    Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

    Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

    The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

    Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

    But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

    Goldblum hotness: 8/10

    The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.