Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

Beyond Suspicion (2001)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Insurance salesman Jeff Goldblum witnesses the shooting of, and then sloppily takes over the life of, an ex-con named Auggie Rose; surprising no one, he gets in over his head. This movie is also known as Auggie Rose and should be known as Jeff Goldblum Is a Stupid Creeper Who Never Gets His Comeuppance.

Goldblum presence: 9.75/10

There are only two one-minute scenes sans Goldblum; otherwise, it’s Goldblumfest 2001.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The hair is quite decent, he wears a few suits and a few tight T-shirts, he rides a motorcycle, and he’s half-naked for sexy (and awkward bathing) times. However, he is having these sexy times with a woman who believes him to be someone else entirely, who is dead; this is, to say the least, inappropriate.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Although he is still quite tall, any Goldbluminess our insurance salesman might have exhibited is quashed as part of his attempts to assume the mannerisms of a stoic ex-con: The monologues are brief, the sexiness is not flippant, the hands are Earth-bound, and—unlike the man himself—the eyes are not especially crazy. And evidently neither ex-cons nor insurance salesmen play the piano.

Seminar (2012)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum is the disgruntled, disillusioned, paid-$2000-per-session teacher of a writing seminar for four young would-be writers, including Jerry “Short Pants and Loafers” O’Connell and Justin “Inappropriately Muscular Starving Artist” Long.

Golblum presence (plot): 7/10

The play only has five characters and Jeff Golblum is on stage for perhaps the least amount of time.

Goldblum presence (physical): 11/10

But no you guys he was like seven rows away from me I can’t even.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

The mostly-black wardrobe was very Dr. Ian Malcom, as were the glasses: nicely done. More importantly, there are only two female characters in this play, and [SPOILER] Jeff Goldblum bangs them both. But since this banging is sleazy and creepy—and there’s a splash of the racism—he must lose points.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

His hands were floating all over the stage, he noticeably held one character’s story over her head without reaching up, and he schooled that seminar in rapid monologuing. Minus one point for being mean and for failing to play the piano.

Dallas 362 (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum is the therapist to and boyfriend of the mother of a troubled twenty-something in an undisclosed state that is not Texas.

Goldblum presence: 7/10

He’s not one of our two protagonists, but he has as much screen time as any secondary character and approximately thirty times more screen time than Selma Blair, whose 45-second appearance somehow landed her on the DVD cover.

Goldblum Hotness: 8/10

His M.O. is to seduce (and marry) our protagonist’s mother, so he’s quite handsy with her—and since he succeeds, making him the only character shown getting any action, he gets a nice half-naked-in-bed scene. He also wears handsome therapist suits.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

The hands just won’t stay down, the eyes stay crazy, and the rapid monologuing is out of control. He’s also a good head taller than our protagonist and folds himself up like a spider in order to sit down on the ground. Alas, what with all the seduction and the therapy, he doesn’t have time to play the piano.

War Stories (2003)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

In this TV movie (oh yes), Jeff Goldblum is a war correspondent in Uzbekistan whose journalistic neutrality is compromised when he and his partner are brought to The Cave in which Not Bin Laden is hiding. For some reason, Ed Begley Jr appears for about five minutes.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

It’s mostly Goldblum, but sometimes we’re alone with his plucky young photographer.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

Thank you, War Stories, for opening on a shirtless sleeping Goldblum and going on to feature an interrupted dalliance (with lovely promiscuous British reporter) and subsequent shirtless conversation (with plucky young photographer).

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Yes, yes, he’s tall, et cetera, but more importantly: He’s a war correspondent. In battle-torn central Asia. And yet, somehow, when he’s sad about the recent death of his previous partner, he finds a ballroom with a piano in it—and he plays the crap out of that piano. Soulfully.

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Total Goldblum Rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, a furry blue alien, crashes his spaceship into Geena Davis’ Valley pool and then, after a shave, seduces her.

Goldblum Presence: 7/10

The aliens don’t land til about thirty minutes in, so there are thirty Goldblum-free minutes. But after that, it’s all Goldblum, all the time.

Goldbum Hotness: 11/10

Julie Brown introduces gratuitously shirtless Jeff Goldblum with “This is…the ultimate,” and indeed it is. In addition to being the obvious dreamboat of the movie, he is also blessed with a “love touch,” which he uses to give Geena Davis a three-hour hallucinogenic orgasm. (He also does this to her ex-fiance, two cops, and a cat.)

Goldbluminess: 8/10

He can’t rapid monologue because all of his English was learned from the television (“Are we limp and hard to manage?”), but he makes up for it in other ways: an extremely sexy flippance, being taller than glamazon Geena Davis, a lengthy jazz piano performance, and, finally, the new standard for crazy eyes.

The Fly (1986)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

Jeff Goldblum accidentally turns himself into a fly.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

Goldblum is the titular fly, though not necessarily the protagonist—that role is filled by Geena Davis.

Goldblum hotness, Part One: 9/10

Until about 45 minutes through the movie, Jeff Goldblum is young, ripped, and having naked sexy time with Geena Davis. His hair is terrible, but we see his butt, so.

Goldblum hotness, Part Two: -10/10

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Dr. Brundle is a super tall, crazy eyed, rapid monologuing, sexy-flippant pianist. Minus one point for turning into a fly monster.

Framed (1990)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

In this made-for-TV movie, Jeff Goldblum is an art forger whose ladyfriend/partner may or may not have set him up to take the fall for a caper gone wrong. Then it’s a big Two Years Later and Can We Trust Her.

Goldblum presence: 8/10

Although he’s certainly the protagonist, he’s not constantly on camera. Sometimes we watch the love interest/maybe-villainess or the Quirky Best Friend. (Side note: in this movie, Jeff Goldblum has a Quirky Best Friend. He normally is the Quirky Best Friend. In this movie, there’s a character quirkier than Jeff Goldblum. It’s shocking.)

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

There’s sexy time, and he isn’t afraid to hang out shirtless (hooray). But you might as well forget that, as this movie features what is, without a doubt, the worst Goldblum hair to date (and that includes the blue fur in Earth Girls Are Easy) (I’m not kidding). It’s possible he’s meant to look artistic—but he just looks depressing.

Goldbluminess: 8/10

Sexy-Flippant with Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands, plus Rambling Dialogue. There’s a chase scene that he’s quite tall in. However, the movie got it wrong: Jeff Goldblum doesn’t paint; he plays the piano.

The Tall Guy (1989)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

Jeff Goldblum defeats Mr. Bean and goes on to woo Emma Thompson (inexplicably successfully) and take the lead in Elephant!, an Elephant Man musical.

Goldblum presence: 10/10

It’s called “The Tall Guy,” and lord knows they’re not referring to Rowan Atkinson. Bless his heart.

Goldblum hotness: 6/10

There’s an extraordinary amount of sexy time, but I can’t stress enough how ridiculous it is. He and Emma Thompson completely trash his apartment in the midst of hyperbolic passion. Hilarious, but not sexy. Then he puts on Elephant Man makeup.

Moreover, his hair is terrible.

Goldbluminess: 8/10

Sexy-Flippant? Check. Crazy Eyes? Check. Being tall? Super check. And yes, this movie is full of the pitter-patter of unnecessarily fast Goldblum dialogue. But I prefer to feel unconflicted about my Goldblum, and frankly, his character in this movie is kind of an ass.

Vibes (1988)

Total Goldblum rating: 9/10

Jeff Goldblum, a psychometrist, teams up with fellow psychic Cyndi Lauper to fight a mystical force in Ecuador. And to find love.

Goldblum presence: 9/10

About as much Goldblum as you can have without calling the movie Goldblum.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

No naked, but lots of running around sweaty in an unbuttoned shirt. Plus sexy time with Cyndi Lauper.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

So much Sexy-Flippant. So much Crazy Eyes. And he’s so much taller than Cyndi Lauper.

Adam Resurrected (2009)

Total Goldblum rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum plays a psychic Holocaust survivor with a dog fetish. It’s a drama.

Goldblum presence: 10/10 

He’s the title character and protagonist and is in every scene.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

He has some sexy time, but it’s marred by the aforementioned dog fetish. There’s a brief ass-flash, and if that wasn’t a body double, then considering this movie was made in 2008, your behind had held up admirably well, Mr. Goldblum.

Goldbluminess: 4/10

He’s not playing a Jeff Goldblum Character. He’s got a German accent and the only time he’s allowed to be Sexy-Flippant With Crazy Eyes is in flashbacks.