1. The Fly (1986)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

    Jeff Goldblum accidentally turns himself into a fly.

    Wow.

    Goldblum presence: 9/10

    Goldblum is the titular fly, though not necessarily the protagonist—that role is filled by Geena Davis.

    Goldblum hotness, Part One: 9/10

    Until about 45 minutes through the movie, Jeff Goldblum is young, ripped, and having naked sexy time with Geena Davis. His hair is terrible, but we see his butt, so.

    Goldblum hotness, Part Two: -10/10

    OH JESUS

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    Dr. Brundle is a super tall, crazy eyed, rapid monologuing, sexy-flippant pianist. Minus one point for turning into a fly monster.

     
  2. Framed (1990)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

    In this made-for-TV movie, Jeff Goldblum is an art forger whose ladyfriend/partner may or may not have set him up to take the fall for a caper gone wrong. Then it’s a big Two Years Later and Can We Trust Her.

    It's like a mane...

    Goldblum presence: 8/10

    Although he’s certainly the protagonist, he’s not constantly on camera. Sometimes we watch the love interest/maybe-villainess or the Quirky Best Friend. (Side note: in this movie, Jeff Goldblum has a Quirky Best Friend. He normally is the Quirky Best Friend. In this movie, there’s a character quirkier than Jeff Goldblum. It’s shocking.)

    Goldblum hotness: 6/10

    There’s sexy time, and he isn’t afraid to hang out shirtless (hooray). But you might as well forget that, as this movie features what is, without a doubt, the worst Goldblum hair to date (and that includes the blue fur in Earth Girls Are Easy) (I’m not kidding). It’s possible he’s meant to look artistic—but he just looks depressing.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    Sexy-Flippant with Crazy Eyes and Floating Hands, plus Rambling Dialogue. There’s a chase scene that he’s quite tall in. However, the movie got it wrong: Jeff Goldblum doesn’t paint; he plays the piano.

     
  3. Beyond Therapy (1987)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum answers Julie Hagerty’s personals ad, much to the dismay of his live-in boyfriend, Christopher Guest. There are hijinks involving everyone’s therapists and it’s very New York, except that it was obviously filmed in Paris.

    "I'm deeply emotional."

    Goldblum presence: 7/10

    Sometimes we’re subjected to just Julie Hagerty and her therapist, which, yawn.

    Goldblum hotness: 6/10

    Points added for bisexuality, but subtracted for the hair. Mostly, he’s almost too neurotic and quirky to be sexy—sacrilege, I know, but I spent far more time confused than attracted.

    Goldbluminess: 9/10

    …the upshot of which being, of course, that he pushes the limit on Goldbluminess. Sexy-flippant, Crazy Eyes, rapid monologuing—if they’d thrown in a piano, this would’ve been off the charts.

     
  4. The Tall Guy (1989)

    Total Goldblum Rating: 8/10

    Jeff Goldblum defeats Mr. Bean and goes on to woo Emma Thompson (inexplicably successfully) and take the lead in Elephant!, an Elephant Man musical.

    "All these weeks I've been coming here, I've been wanting to ask you something. What I really want to know is... er, what's your name?"

    Goldblum presence: 10/10

    It’s called “The Tall Guy,” and lord knows they’re not referring to Rowan Atkinson. Bless his heart.

    Goldblum hotness: 6/10

    There’s an extraordinary amount of sexy time, but I can’t stress enough how ridiculous it is. He and Emma Thompson completely trash his apartment in the midst of hyperbolic passion. Hilarious, but not sexy. Then he puts on Elephant Man makeup.

    Moreover, his hair is terrible.

    Goldbluminess: 8/10

    Sexy-Flippant? Check. Crazy Eyes? Check. Being tall? Super check. And yes, this movie is full of the pitter-patter of unnecessarily fast Goldblum dialogue. But I prefer to feel unconflicted about my Goldblum, and frankly, his character in this movie is kind of an ass.